Today, I had the great displeasure of reading one of the most absurd articles I’ve read in a long time. Ann Coulter, desperately striving to be relevant, lashed out against soccer in a way I can only relate to how an anti-social wall-flower responds to being forced to go to a middle school dance: like a pouty kid, jealous that she’s incapable of having any fun. Yes, Ann. “REAL” ‘Mericans are having fun watching the World Cup and not watching some redundant interview with you. Yes, Ann. I’m one of them. In fact, lately, you’ve made watching shows made for Disney’s HD Channel and the Home Shopping Network much more enjoyable.
To be honest, I’ve never been a huge soccer fan. This year, I was more interested in the game because of the controversy surrounding FIFA’s debacle in engaging Brazil in the building, lack of completion of the building, and displacement of the population all for a series of games. Though ousting people from their homes to make way for a sport isn’t on the top of my list of good citizen relations policies, I’ve watched (mostly) because I’ve been waiting for the civil uprisings and riots I was promised by all the national news channels. Then, I read Coulter’s whine-fest in which she complained, “[n]o American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”
My business partner says I have a tendency to be oft-incredulous (and have an over-developed sense of justice). I considered when I read Coulter’s article to qualify as one of those moments.
My knee-jerk response was righteous indignation and incredulity. New Americans?! Actually, Ma’am (she’s much older than I, so I get to call her Ma’am), not only was my great-grandfather from America, but our family dates back to the mid-1640’s settlement of New Amsterdam. Yet, here I’ve been watching a game that you claim would require I take additional lessons in my mother tongue.
Childless Coulter points her pen at parents, attacking them for raising pansies in a win-less, expressionless sport, “[l]iberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.” *Cue incredulity again because it’s Friday and I’m feeling generous: My daughter played soccer. She was not only tough, she was out to win. My son, who also loves the sport, is highly competitive in everything he does. Then I thought harder… way back into my memory bank. I played t-ball and baseball – both on co-ed teams – as a little kid. Then it hit me: What the hell would Coulter know about raising children? At 52-ish, I’m pretty sure she has… hmmm… none.
I shook off being considered a “liberal” (she hasn’t had a chance to meet me yet), and then I realized she resides, at least part time, in Palm Beach. Of course she does. My hometown is constantly getting infiltrated with idiots who are middle-aged, self-important, ignorant, and entitled. Fools vying desperately to hold onto their looks, their relevance, and their audience, swarm to this sunny place for shady people like flies to spoiled meat to take what they want and debase the rest of us. Please go back to Albany, NY. We don’t need any more jerks down here.
After I read her article, I was reflective. I’ll never get the thirty seconds that it took me to read her bunk article back. Ever. Then I began to think of what I could have accomplished in those thirty seconds that would have been more worthwhile. For instance, I could’ve gone to the bathroom, cleaned out my coffee mug, or hugged my child. Damn you, Coulter.
As a partner in a social media and integrated marketing firm, I give props to her for jumping on the #WorldCup hashtag bandwagon. It’ll generate traffic, most definitely, and give her the boost from her missing “new American” viewership who would rather watch the soccer game re-runs than watch her squawking on Hannity. I think there was a time when I actually agreed with some of Coulter’s opinions, or at the very least, felt she had something interesting to contribute to political media, but I wouldn’t even admit it anymore. I haven’t run the stats, but I imagine she’s getting a lot of traffic on the article, and with that she is S-M-R-T.
Coulter is simply unlikeable and (obviously) ignorant when it comes to parenting. Personally, I resent that she shares a zip code with my family and I, but I know she can live wherever she wants because of “freedom” and all that stuff that not only my family members fought for, but that I also served to preserve. You’re welcome, Ann. Coulter is flat-out ungrateful for what soccer is doing for her at this very moment. Creating more traffic to her site and more hits on her social than she’d ever get without another Benghazi. My message to Coulter as a Daughter of the Revolution: I’m American (old, not new) and believe that soccer may one day save your life…. It certainly saved your social backlinks and traffic volume this week.